Nothing Is Wrong (And That’s the Problem)

So that last post was a lot. Most people won’t actually understand any of it. That’s how I know I’m not really helping. All helping is an illusion. Even if someone was to be helped (so to speak) by this expression, I wouldn’t take credit for it. I can tell you straight up I don’t have any say in it. Here I just write what comes up, no one can do more than that. Those who think they can, are really just imagining this. There’s nothing wrong with this, since there’s nothing wrong. I guess that’s what I’m talking about. I wasn’t really sure at first, when I sat down here to write.

Nothing wrong? That seems like a wild statement. How could that be? When you walk around you think you see all sorts of wrong things. People are sick, people are fighting, nations are at war, the cost of living never goes down, people are struggling, the list never dies out. It never has, not from this limited view of the world. You might even say that humans live in a hell of their own making. Most humans right now are worried, stressed, and basically out of sorts not only with themselves but with everything. Usually they even doubt their own ideas, abilities, and life itself. They basically doubt or even fear what they are, sometimes they don’t think it works very well, if at all anymore. That’s how they continuously seek help no matter what the issue is. These days a person instantly thinks his answer or solution can come from someone else. He’ll seek someone out then and start explaining what he thinks is going on in his life, basically what he feels is happening to him. It feels real. It looks real so it is real. Real is one of those tricky words that has way too much power if you ask me. The pattern continually and constantly depends on it. This is how it is. It’s always been this way. Thousands of years and nothing has changed. Reality as we know it is as real today as it ever was.

But is it? I don’t think it is. Long ago, kings and queens were never questioned, just honored. Their power was not only formidable but invincible. There was no fighting with that, no going your own way, you either fell in line or started out on some trek to a new land. Most stayed put and made the best of it, whatever that looked like, and the adventurers, with fear in check, stepped out onto another path towards the unknown. What they knew wasn’t working for them, so they tried something else. The choice to stay put with what you know isn’t really personal, it’s capacity. Those with the capacity to imagine new lives did, and those without it, couldn’t. This has always been the case. I think a lot of people blame themselves for something that they just never had the ability to pursue. Regret is way up high on the list of human failures. The question, “Why didn’t I?” haunts a lot of people.

It’s different from here. The first thing I knew for sure was there was no one and nothing to blame, not even yourself, for literally anything. I used to wonder how this place would work, what it could do, if collectively we could just get rid of that one sentiment. What would happen if we could just rid ourselves of the past, forget about grievances, betrayals, and all our petty fears completely? Unfortunately, I knew it would never happen, mainly because I saw how the mind was working. I saw how the way we lived actually relied on holding onto the past rather than moving past it. Most of what we call functioning relies on memory, and in this way, it must continue to color what one sees. We think we have to remember what we’re doing, that only by remembering what happened earlier or yesterday can we ever be informed of what is either happening now or needs to happen next. We aren’t born this way but learn it.

I remember when I was a little girl, and much later, whenever I would do something that offended my mother and I tried to apologize, she wouldn’t accept it. I might say then, “I’m sorry”, and she’d say, “Well, sorry isn’t good enough. You should have thought about what you were doing, before you were doing it.” The thing is how would one think about something they aren’t thinking about? All actions come out of what you’re thinking now, what your thought is telling you to do. If you’d had another thought you would have surely done something else but you didn’t. You had the thought you had. It wasn’t until much later that I started thinking about what I was thinking. How was I thinking something? How does thinking even work? Does anyone really know? Do we know how it is we know what we think we do? How far back would we have to go in un-mantling what we think we know about everything? The web of patterns and the memories that uphold them are surely not even our own. Ways of living are handed down like a baton gets handed to the next relay runner. They are passed on unwittingly and unknowingly. We assume our place in this world by accepting our parents version of us. If we’re good children, then we go on to pursue what we think are good and wholesome ways of being. We remember being rewarded for our good deeds and this leads to an endless cycle of doing more and more, to get another cookie, another pat on the back, some recognition of our efforts. We may become self absorbed or arrogant then walking around always thinking we know what’s best not only for ourselves but for everyone else. How often do we see it? Leaders who claim to know the answer to life’s woes or what ails society. Their paths may fulfill themselves but thinking you know what’s best for everyone else never ends well. A person must have his own ideas. If he only adopts another’s, eventually he feels he has betrayed himself. He may not know this consciously, it might only surface as agitation without a name. Then eventually there comes the day our deeds go unnoticed. Our parent might die, or no one is around to care what we are doing. We grow up being fed on stories that claim we’ll be the hero, relying on the attention of others to define not just our own image of ourselves but what that image is worth. Sorely, we find, no one can give us what we seek, for we seek ourselves, and they don’t have that, only we do.

Believe it or not, as a child, you can never be wrong, you can only learn that you are. Kids are full of wonder until confused by all the shit they are forced to endure, they become just like the next one, full of self doubt. Self doubt is really the precursor to how it all goes south for a person. Self doubt leads to analysis which is thinking. Unsure of what to do next, a little person is forced to find a way to either go unnoticed or get their way without ruffling too many feathers. Either route is impossible. No matter what they do, eventually they’ll wind up being scolded and punished for something. Many become little people pleasers, they intuitively figure out what their parents and teachers want from them and act accordingly, which is an act of self denial and betrayal. Nothing will really make them happy again after that because you can’t live your life for others, only yourself. There are no “others”, not the way we think there are. That’s illusion number one and it’s the absolute hardest one to crack.

The Truth of the matter is you are just seeing what you think you will. I’m not saying that other person isn’t there in some capacity but you’re not in their world as you’d like to think you are and visa versa. Just as you are not really seeing them, they are not actually looking at you, only who and what they think you are, which is not the same thing. Depending on the pattern, you could be seeing them in a totally different light. What if they don’t determine how you will see them, only you do that? This is a very difficult concept to grasp, after all, let’s say Uncle Bob has always been an asshole, stingy with his money, a miser, and maybe a cheat, some kind of fraudster. Let’s say he never shared anything with you. He just wants to find out what you have and get some. He has been this way for your whole life so whenever you see him at family gatherings you steer clear of him if you can. You think you’ve got his number dialed in to a tee. Even your mother and maybe your brother agree with you. He’s invited to the barbecues out of some type of politeness or family obligation, but God knows what he’ll try to finagle this year. It’s a sad situation. This is an example of a story that you could believe in. You probably grew up hearing about him. You had no reason to doubt that anyone would actually lie to you but they did, albeit unknowingly. All families revolve around stories that are untrue. No one knows what they are so that’s how they don’t know what anyone or anything else is and you inherit it all by proximal distance and interaction. From now on, anytime you see anything that reminds you of this Uncle, you will start to feel anxious. You won't know why you're anxious, or even how. Let me tell the things that are hidden in you hold more sway than you'd ever think they do and you don't even know about them. A lifetime produces a mirage of images, none of which you are consciously aware of.

Most people never even suspect that their whole lives could be some kind of fabrication, a pattern their mind created to make sense of an entire world view that doesn’t make any. You just wouldn’t ever think the deception could be that wide spread as to include the entire world’s inhabitants. It’s impossible to think everyone you could ever meet was actually in a fog and living out a life based on lies and assumptions that they didn’t actually choose to inherit. At best, you grow up learning there are smart people and dumb ones. Those who can pull off looking important in some way are the smart ones. Scientists and doctors are high on the list along with psychiatrists and psychologists. These people are smart right? They know things. They understand the human condition and how the world works but what if they don’t? What if they were just dreaming it all up the same way another guy dreams up working as a taxi driver his whole life? What if it’s all just a show they put on, and the reason it works so well or it’s so convincing is that they fully believe in it so you should too after all what have you done with your life? How many credentials do you have? A person from another walk of life has no choice but to look up to them right? Worst case scenario you might need their expertise if you get sick. It’s better not to question most things. It would just make you feel dumb if you did.

The same goes for a politician. Aren’t they all lawyers? The bar exam is almost impossible to pass right? You don’t know that for sure since you never even tried or looked into it, but that’s the story. This story has been told on all sorts of TV shows and movies for years. We’ve all seen the struggle, the difficulty, the absolute impossible way a person has to study and strive to become one of those. It’s just a good thing these guys are in charge of making policies that millions of other people, dumb people, should follow along with because their minds are different, they’re better, they can really think, and the rest of humanity? They just believe it right? It makes sense that anyone who was able to struggle and persevere to pass a bar exam must have better qualities than other people. They talk an excellent game, so convincing. Every single one has used the idea that they are going to change life for the better for everyone. Well, where is it? I’m not down on these guys, I don’t care what they dream up for themselves. It makes absolutely no difference what you or anyone else alive wants to play out for themselves. I actually hope they have fun because why not? You might as well enjoy this gig. I’m just saying that stories become believable truths. There are a lot of people waiting around for some handful of guys who are just living their lives putting on a show, may be they believe in it too, but no one can change anything for anyone. It can never happen. You change yourself and your life if you want to but that’s the only way it gets done. Forget about anyone doing it for you. What would they do, come to your home and wipe your mind of the illusion it’s seeing through? Can’t even be done. They might be able to convince you of another story, so you’d have some other beliefs but so what? What has anyone else’s belief ever done for you? Nothing, right?

What about religious leaders, priests and bishops, and just Paster Leo down the street? They all know God, right? They’re in touch with the mystery, the one, because why? Well, they’ve studied. Maybe they’ve prayed a lot more than anyone else. They must know better than anyone else then, right, or is that just a role, another fabrication? If you pay them to pour water over your babies head that soul is saved, but seriously, saved from what? I saw one priest during Covid using a kid’s squirt gun to get the job done. If he was so sure about his God and his relationship with it, what was he afraid of? Catching Covid from a two week old baby? Did he not think that his God knew what was best for him, whatever that was? No, he thought he should protect himself from germs. Has he ever even seen a germ? Of course not, but he believes in them because anyone who doesn’t is crazy. Doctors have the final word there. They couldn’t just be making it all up after all they have all the microscopes and the research doesn’t lie. But what if it did? What if they were just looking out of eyes that had been obscured of the actual Truth just like everyone else? What if no one actually knows anything, they just think they do?

What if wrong is just something else you believe in? What if your whole life is just all these ideas that embedded themselves into you, and that’s how you think of them? You believe in it all so you see it everywhere. What then? How would you even be able to tell what is real and what isn’t? What if all the criteria humans have that determines Truth relies on beliefs that are not actually true but because so many believe in them completely, everything shows up exactly as they believe it will? Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe it’s supposed to be this way. Maybe that’s the only way in which excitement and drama might be lived out and experienced but even more, what if there’s no one in the room with you, ever? What if you are only imagining anyone you are with as your mind lets you imagine them and they are doing the same? On some level, this is obviously a fantastic thing, or you’d always be talking to yourself, without even being able to imagine you are having a conversation with someone else. Even so, what if you are always talking to yourself? Perhaps no one has ever been there with you. Perhaps all your troubles every single one relies on what you believe to be true about where you are and the world you live in? What if you could change it? What if you could decide what to believe in thereby changing the world you see right along with it? Would you do it? Is it even possible?

Yes, it is but you won’t change the world, only your own world. I am my world. That’s what I really know. Here, I am only playing with it.